I've been kicking around an idea; every Saturday or so I'll post a short story. It could be in first person, second person, humor, thriller, or just personal stories. I'll let you decide if a story is me talking or not.
This is the time the reviewer gets a taste of his own medicine...you can comment on the stories and give any advise or things you didn't think were good. This isn't the time for nice people....if something is boring, bland, too weird, let me know.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
New Deal
Posted by Jamin at 5:59 PM
Labels: Short Stories
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3 comments:
Hi, I thought your story was rather good, there were some parts that I didn't understand, and you spelled Hupomone two different ways.-Allison
Hi Jamin,
I enjoyed your story. You have talent. Glad to see that you are finding a place to write.
I feel that you purposely chose a fast pace rhythm for your writing, most likely so the reader could feel the fast pace of the game. But as I read, I got lost and had to reread a couple of places to “get it.” I think it was the rhythm. It was too much the same. I longed for some changes in the tempo. Football has slower times, too. I also think having a few more transitions would help the reader. I could see that one of your goals was to create a short story and not waste words, great verb choices. That’s good. A lot of writers ramble, but a little more explanation sometimes helps with the flow and helps the reader connect. You do a good job of having the reader “see” your story, but I also would have loved to “hear” and “feel” more of the story. Football is loud—fans, yelling coaches, hits, grunts, wet fields. I wanted to know more about what your body was feeling as you stood on the sidelines not really wanting to take your turn. And then there was the rain. You started with the comment of rain, yet the only reference to the rain was that there was no mud. Playing football in the rain is a unique experience. I think it would have been interesting to include some “rain moments” throughout your piece. All-in-all, you are a very good writer, Jamin, but I am sure I am not the first to make such a comment. Keep up the great work.
Thanks for the comments...sorry I didn't see it for a while.
To be honest I wrote this story as an assignment for a writersguild and had an eye on my word count the whole time. I wish could've had more "feel" in the story, though.
Thanks for the suggestions!
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